Smoking Trees in Belize: May 2008

As we enter this fall’s presidential race, there is an unfortunate likelihood that we will encounter prejudice from some. However, the prejudice will not be as one-sided as one would imagine. Certainly Obama’s status as the first legitimate African-American contender places him at the center of a bigot’s ire, but his counterpart will experience his own form of -ism. John McCain is running for the most demanding job in the world at age 71. Only two other presidents have been elected in the latter half of their 60’s. Ronald Reagan, was 69 when he took the office, and William Henry Harrison, a sprite 68 in 1841. While Obama will likely see most of his prejudice in subtle terms, McCain faces a potentially vociferous bias. Part of the reason is constitutional, in 1976 the Supreme Court ruled in Massachusetts Board of Retirement v. Murgia, that age discrimination does not amount to a suspect class. This meant that ageism did not deserve the same strict protections under the Equal Protection clause that race, religion and national orgin did. Part of this seems unfair, one should not be disadvantaged or treated unfairly for something they have no control over. However, there is a reality to aging, none can deny that facilities fade as time passes by. Much of the ageism directed at McCain is largely cruel and unwarranted. Everyone ages differently, McCain had 6 years of his life stolen from him and seems to show no sign of slowing down. It is blissful ignorance to hope this election season will feature little noise about age bias, perhaps it would be helpful to remember the vices of a particularly young ex-president. Bill Clinton was a ruby cheeked 46 when he took the office, and we all know he wasn’t done sowing his wild oats.

One of the most crucial issues facing our country is consumption. Every day we are reminded that our environment cannot sustain our rapid growth and bad habits. Despite the unfortunate politicization of global warming/climate change, few can argue that “going green” isn’t in our best interest. However, at times it seems like the tone of the environmental movement has been misguided. People have been scared into thinking “going green” is a new type of lifestyle; hybrid cars, organic food, and yoga. Those over the age of 40 feel left behind already by the internet, add environmental consciousness to the mix and you have a generation gap the size of polar ice caps. For starters, much of what we need to change doesn’t involve doing new things at all, but rather a return to our past. The generation of Americans that grew up in the shadow of the Depression, and ultimately became The Greatest Generation, actually knew a thing or two about conservation. They grew up hearing a litany of reminders from their mothers, “turn off the lights when you leave the room, turn off the water when you brush your teeth, only 1 hour of T.V. time per day, only take what you need.” This type of Ward Cleaver conscientiousness will go a lot further towards reducing our global footprint that the latest eco-fad. The hipness of “going green” is part of the problem, often trends begin with great enthusiasm, and all too often falter under the weight of their own failed expectations. In today’s instant gratification society, it is easy to see a moment in the near future when environmentalism loses it cachet. This is by no means an attempt to trivialize or minimize the significance and importance of changing our national habits, but merely an attempt to understand why so many talk the the talk, but so few walk the walk.

A major problem for the broad based environmental movement is the apparent outstanding issues in alternative energy. The rush to ethanol as a national panacea has faded in the dim reality of cost. Simply put, it is not creating an energy profit. As Mr. Wall Street Fighter succintly states, ” It take 7.3 pounds of soybean oil to make 1 gallon of ethanol. And it’s how much per pound, 63 cents? Add in processing cost…” Adding to the problem is the question of what happens when you use all your food to make fuel? Our national attention span will not tolerate failures. However, it would be a tremendous mistake to discount the viability of biofuels. Brazil has shown the world that sugarcane can power a large nation, but their success did not come overnight. It took the better part of a decade, a luxury our procrastination no longer affords us. With gas prices rising, along with practically everything else, the urgency is palpable. But another Cleaverism proves telling again, “haste makes waste.” In our hurry to become self sustainable we might have taken a wrong turn. We must not let “going green” become a fading fad, but rather we must instill those Depression era fears in our youth. Sometimes the fear of losing it all brings out the best in people.

Obama’s recent speech in Miami regarding the future of U.S.-Cuba relations has raised the ire of Hispaniola’s most famous resident. Obama advocated for keeping the Embargo, yet allowing for familial remittances to be sent back to the island. He also favored lifting the travel restrictions, however remained firm on the need for the Embargo. Fidel of course took umbrage with the speech, but considers Obama, “the most progressive candidate.” Throughout his editorial, Castro pointed out several hypocrisies in Obama’s call for a continued embargo, despite being diplomatically open-minded otherwise. One thing is clear, conservatives and liberals alike would prefer a free Cuba, certainly for different reasons, but in the best interest of both.

Pictured above is the ultimate triumvirate of Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Izabel Goulart. All Brazilian Victoria’s Secret Models, each further reinforces every American boy’s assumptions about Ipanema Beach. Goulart is the most recent addition to the dream team, signing with Victoria’s Secret in 2006. Welcome to my mailbox Izabel.

Beginning in the 1930’s and continuing until his death in 1972, Saul Alinsky brought news ideas to the political process. Known for creating the model form of “community organization,” Alinsky’s grass roots approach remains influential today. Both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have outlined part of their political organizational tactics based on Alinsky’s model. Once a state secret, it has recently been revealed that Hillary’s senior thesis at Wellesley College was an analysis of the Alinsky model. The political sensitivity of Alinsky association stems in large part from his book, “Rules for Radicals,” which served as the how-to-guide for 1960’s activism. Democrats struggle with the G.O.P.’s stranglehold on the conservative pulse of the nation, Alinsky fodder only serves to reinforce the ideological separation. In comparison, Alinsky’s influence on Hillary pales to that of Obama. Alinsky once offered a job to Hillary, one she turned down to pursue a law degree. Obama, however began his career as a community organizer under an umbrella organization of Alinsky’s. Since deceased, Alinsky’s work continued as political organizations use his methods of one-on-one interviews with the intention of sparking the activism within as a primary method of engagement. In the coming weeks the conservative media will pin the Alinsky label on Obama in attempts to reveal his liberal beliefs. However it seems that much of the haranguing over Alinsky’s influence is misguided. It is his methods of organization and networking that have influenced Obama and Hillary, not his politics.

Though personally 1988 brings back memories of Topps, Happy Meals and bike rides, in retrospect it seems to be a year that marked a shift in world hegemony. Though the Berlin Wall remained standing, Communism had lost the ideological and military momentum it once enjoyed. America looked toward the millennium as a peerless world power, one capable of shaping its own future. Three specific events in 1988 hinted at the beginning of a new world order. After 9 years of fruitless struggle Vietnam-style, the Soviet Army pulled out of Afghanistan. A strangle site for Cold War wrangling, the USSR backed Marxist government faced guerrilla warfare from the U.S. supported mujahideen. After Soviet forces withdrew, Afghanistan endured a 3 year civil war until mujahideen groups took power in 1992. This turned out to be anything but an American victory as the unrest in Afghanistan continues to threaten U.S. interests. From this trial, hopefully the U.S. has learned that geo-politics is more than good versus evil. In seeking to extinguish what we believed was the ultimate evil at the time, communism, we planted the seeds for tribal-led fundamentalism.

The next event to shape America’s future in 1988 was the July 3 Iran Air Flight 655, shot down by the U.S.S. Vincennes. Mistaken for an attacking military plane, the civilian aircraft was hit by guided missiles killing all 290 on board. The Iranian government disputes this explanation to this day, and many Iranians hold the U.S. in contempt for this reason, among others. The Vincennes was in the area as a support vessel during the ongoing Iran-Iraq war. Began in 1980, the border skirmish between unfriendly neighbors lasted until 1988. Despite losing 37 by Iraqi plane attack, the U.S. remained focused on Iran. The civilians deaths prompted Iran to back off and eventually the conflict rested. Despite the resolution; anger and resentment in Iran continued to sear the populace with anti-Western beliefs.

Also in 1988, Indian-British writer Salman Rushdie published his novel, “The Satanic Verses.” The book weaves an intriguing present-day story into the early historical accounts of Muhammad and his retracted “satanic verses.” History claims Muhammed was tricked by Satan into scripting verses of the Qur’an that praise pagan goddesses. Taken as an affront on the holiness of Muhammed, the Muslim world quickly reacted angrily. Banned in India, and protested all over, the Iranian government went as far as to issue a “fatwa” calling for Rushdie’s head. Since redacted, and then re-instituted, Rushdie has good reason to fear the fatwa; both the Japanese and Italian translators were killed for their contributions. The sensitivity and passion of the Muslim community should have been readily apparent following the Satanic Verses uproar, however it seems to be a forgotten story.

Gay pornography, marijuana, and steroids, not exactly the calling card for many Republicans. Even the Log Cabin Republicans toe the party line and abstain from advocating anything illegal. Even though not advocating, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s past dabbles in all three raise questions about the values of the Republican Party. The charges of gay porn and reefer are slightly overblown, but not without merit. Struggling in the late 70’s to break into the entertainment industry, Arnold posed nude for gay magazine “After Dark.” Hardly a crime in itself, it nonetheless rankles to know a man who once titillated gays, now works for a Party that condemns the lifestyle. To his credit, Arnold fesses up to inhaling, and oddly seems to working against the conservative mantra of “Just say No.” Past indiscretions aside, it’s his use of the juice to propel himself to international stardom that should concern one the most. In 1968 a young Arnold reached America with one goal in mind, becoming Mr. Olympia. After winning 6 titles, Arnold retired as an icon. Achieving the pinnacle of the bodybuilding world, Arnold would use this as a springboard for a future career in acting. As we all know, acting went well for Arnold, so well, he parlayed his notoriety into a successful political career. In hindsight, one realizes Arnold, facing long odds as an immigrant, surely would not have achieved such astounding success without his bodybuilding victories. Given his admission of steroid use, Arnold’s achievements seem tainted. Worse than a ballplayer who uses ‘roids to improve, Arnold’s career would not have existed without outside help. It is sadly ironic that the Mitchell Report, commissioned to clean up baseball, failed to mention the poster child for early performance enhancing drugs. The Republican Party, long on morals and short on memory, apparently failed to make the connection between Arnold’s career path and it’s own identity. Arnold even violated a few immigration laws, another source of G.O.P. stiffness. Given the irony of these facts, try and hold your breath when the Obama drug use attack ads begin to spin.

Memorial Day weekend is a time for remembrance, barbecues and camaraderie, and for most of the country, a time to dust off last year’s swimwear. When venturing out this summer gentlemen, remember the tips Utah has learned after a few years on the coast.
Rule #1: No Banana Hammocks: Even if you’re cut like a young Arnold, this suit does nothing but embarrass you and all those you encounter.

Rule #2: Remember the Zubaz: Whenever you are picking out your styling gear for an afternoon at the beachside bar, don’t forget about your predecessors in interest. Zubaz might have rocked back in the day, but take a hard look at yourself and see if you’re wearing a post-millennium version right now.

Rule #3: Cover up the bad tattoos: The above example is hardly an example of one that needs covering, but too good to pass up. Most bad tattoos can be summed up thusly, unoriginal design, unoriginal place.

The beauty of college football is that there are many different recipes for success. Some are a creature of circumstance, others are the result of conscious creation. The common denominator is that successful programs find an angle and pursue it to their advantage. These attributes, reputations, and innovations are then widely imitated once their brilliance is revealed. Here are some of college football’s most coveted intangibles.

Notre Dame Tradition: Once could fill a Golden Dome with it, Knute Rockne, The Four Horseman, Win One for the Gipper, The Golden Boy, Rudy, Touchdown Jesus and more. Notre Dame’s early national exposure continues to directly benefit the program today. Many programs have been around just as long, and even won more games, but Notre Dame still corners the market on college football tradition. Others have legitimate traditions of their own, but few command the advantage in recruiting, fan loyalty, and exposure that stems from the storied past of the Irish.

Miami Hurricanes Speed, Swagger, and Pro-Style Offenses: Beginning with Howard Schnellenberger in the early 80’s and flourishing under Jimmy Johnson, the Hurricanes introduced a new brand of football to ABC Saturdays. Most telling was the unparalleled team speed that produced immediate sustained success for a once moribund program. High school safeties and running backs were converted to linebackers and former linebackers turned into fearsome rush ends. The Canes also innovated on offense, after Schnellenberger installed a Pro-Style passing attack that made stars out of Jim Kelly, Bernie Kosar, Vinny Testaverde, Steve Walsh, and more recently Gino Torretta and Ken Dorsey. However it is their controversial use of intimidation and swagger that turned the college football on its ear. Once universally staid, college football had never before seem the taunting, celebrating and emotion of the Canes. Unquestionably an advantage after setting the longest home winning streak in NCAA history , the Canes have been mimicked by others, but never matched. Most notably FSU employed faster players and Pro-Style with success, but 5 national championships to 2, proves the indomitable advantage enjoyed by the “U.”

Florida Gators Innovation: Ever since Bear Bryant famously referred to the Gators as a “sleeping giant,” they have awoken. From it’s athletic department to offenses, the Gators have done things their way and had astounding success. Beginning with Gatorade, and continuing with text messaging Urban Meyer, the Gators have been ahead of the curve. Relying on organized and generous alumni and booster groups, the UF Athletic Department is well funded and the results have shown. Simultaneous football and basketball championships are no fluke, the Gators are a marvel of innovation and commitment.

Nebraska Power: Ever since Nebraska became the first athletic department to have a full time strength coach in 1969, the Huskers have been synonymous with muscle. For nearly 40 years Boyd Epley took chubby farm boys and turned them into linebacker mauling monsters, paving the way for legions of fleet backs. The Huskers were among the first to have a state-of-the-art weight training facilities and the dedication has paid off. Once perennially among the NCAA leaders in team rushing, the Huskers have since abandoned this one-time advantage and suffered as a result. Other programs caught up quickly, but up to the late 90’s the Big Red maintained a reputation for producing physically imposing teams. Returning to their strong suit would go along towards pointing Nebraska in the right direction.

Virginia Tech’s Grassroots Growth: Since Frank Beamer took over in 1987, the Hokies have clawed their way to the upper echelon of college football. Largely through persistence and grit, VA Tech stands as a model of the meritocracy that is college football. Once a loser, Beamer turned the Hokies around by building fan loyalty and creating the culture of “Beamerball.” Other hard luck teams have had more stunning turnarounds, Northwestern in 1995, and similar successes, Kansas State, but none have made the total transformation to perennial juggernaut. By paying attention to details, and instilling a blue-collar work ethic, Beamer and the Hokies are an example of a school elbowing its way to the head table.

Southern Cal Glamour: USC has glamour of both old school and new school appeal. Once buoyed by the beauty of cheerleaders in tight sweaters, and the majesty of their noble steed Traveler, the Trojans have recently updated their allure. Beginning with Pete Carroll’s hiring in 2001, USC has set the standard for the modern program. First and foremost, Carroll represents a new breed of coaches far removed from the gruffness of Woody Hayes and the like. Gregarious, outgoing, and youthful, Pete Carroll has infused his personality into the program. No wonder the recruiting hauls keep coming, having a coach as the current benchmark of the “player’s coach,” makes for easy fishing. USC benefits from the absence of a local NFL team to compete for weekend headlines and as a result, stars like Matt Leinart, and Reggie Bush have furthered the allure of the Trojans. All of this adds up to a team that will continue to roll thanks to national exposure courtesy of old school glamour and Pete Carroll’s appeal.

At the dawn of the 19th century, a young and growing United States was quickly becoming a leader in transatlantic shipping. Southern plantations churned out tobacco, cotton and sugar thanks to ample land, and a burgeoning slave trade. Before asserting its independence from the Crown, these exports sailed under the watchful eye of the British Navy. Now alone, yet undaunted, U.S. ships took the treacherous voyages at the mercy of the high seas. As the trade routes reached the Mediterranean, American ships came under attack from the Barbary pirates. Left over from the Crusades, the Barbary pirates were a feared navy of Muslims that called the shores of North Africa home. Attacking all Christian ships, the pirates soon made life miserable for 3rd President Thomas Jefferson. In July of 1803, Jefferson, fed up with mounting losses, ordered the U.S.S. Philadelphia to restore order in the Mediterranean. Initially successful in recapturing an American vessel, the Philadelphia soon ran aground off the coast of Tripoli and was surrendered. Not wanting the spoils of war to be used against them, Lieutenant Stephen Decatur, Jr., led a group of men to the grounded ship and set it afire in the Tripoli Harbor. Occurring in 1806, the loss of the Philadelphia was only the end of the first act. The Second Barbary War lasted until 1815, when at last American ships could safely travel the southern Atlantic shores at the mouth of the Straight of Gibraltar. Free of piracy and tribute payments, the American agrarian export economy flourished until cotton was no longer king.

As Barack Obama’s nomination seems increasingly likely, one would assume the political tensions that have simmered for so long would take a respite. No chance. The rested and restless Republican Party is now ratcheted up its quadrennial attack on another DNC foe. Despite having endured Team Clinton, Obama now faces the trickier and more powerful foe, the Republican Machine. After two Republican triumphs in each Bush election, the reputation of Karl Rove and his minions for outstanding work was burnished. Surely each election was unique, the GOP needed the Supreme Court’s nod in 2000, and the Swift Boat nastiness in 2004. But in each case, it was the organization and resources of the Republican Party that ultimately deserve the credit for each triumph. Despite the possible balkanization of the Dems after Hillary’s extended attempt, 2008 seems to signal the beginning of a level playing field. The Democratic Party has demonstrated better fundraising, organization, and buzz in the last year, unseen since Bubba caught fire in 1992.

Though formidable in their own right, and braced for a fight, Obama and his Party face a dangerous opponent. As the Swift Boat Veterans proved, well funded special interest groups can alter the course of a national election. Political science has never been so technical, voting districts and polling numbers can be crunched and analyzed in endless ways. By carefully targeting their message, groups can achieve maximum impact in crucial districts. This tactic was renewed this weekend when South Floridians opened their Thursday papers. As Obama stopped by Palm Beach, Broward, and Dade counties for a 3 day swing, the Republican machine stepped up to the plate.
A full page ad by the Republican Jewish Coalition took a strong stance against Obama for his alleged softness for Palestinian plight. The ad goes on to question Obama’s belief in unconditional sit downs with world leaders, friend and foe. With pinpoint precision, the GOP special interests groups have selected an essential target. South Florida is a crucial battleground for Florida’s 25 Electoral College votes. More specifically, it is the home of several groups of voters with unique concerns. Maintaining America’s largest Jewish and Cuban Diasporas, South Florida will undoubtedly influence the course of the next election. Obama’s speech about Cuba and his future plans for the island on Friday will likely go a long way to converting some of the often loyal Cuban GOPists. However, the Jewish population seems to be a tougher audience. Other battlegrounds remain crucial to the outcome of the election, but few feature a trickier, more multinational populace than South Florida. The attacks will get dirty and personal, but this time the Dems won’t get caught with their pants down. More savvy this time, the attacks will fly both ways as the fall draws near. Voters will have to navigate a sea of sharks and jellyfish, hopefully the policy issues stay above the fray, and not disguised by attack ads.

In 1782, the Continental Congress set out to cast an identity for the newly independent United States. For a national emblem, the Congress chose the bald eagle to portray the size, strength, and majestic beauty of their new nation. Depicted with its wings spread, and talons clutching an olive branch and 13 arrows, the eagle casts an imposing symbol on our money and Great Seal.
Apparently not everyone thought the bald eagle was the appropriate symbol of the United States. In a letter written in 1784 to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin dissents:

In terms of predatory behavior, Franklin is mostly right on describing eagle’s methods. Eagles are carrion eaters, yet also scoop fish out of lakes and large rivers on their own merit. They have been known for stealing another’s lunch, giving them the unsavory reputation Franklin complains of. However eagles and wild turkeys are natural residents of North America, so his nativity argument is weak. Other differences between the birds make the turkey less appealing as our national symbol. The immediate pro for the eagle is its commanding presence and imposing size. The clucking and waddling turkey seems docile in comparison. Turkeys are simple omnivore foragers, so their eating habits add little symbolic presence to counteract the image of a swift strike by an eagle. Juxtaposing their ability to fly is one physical attribute that the turkey measures up favorably. Wild turkeys have a quick trigger to flight and can reach 50 mph. Whereas the eagle, easily visualized soaring mightily, often only reaches 45 MPH in the air. Sexually the eagle mates the old fashioned way, males fly home to impress the ladies with calls, and displays of physical prowess. The turkey’s sexual appetite is decidedly less appealing, while they do strut their stuff, they are avid polygamists. Managing a few mates at once, the turkey is a better symbol of the early Mormon church and it’s current nutty sects in the Southwest.

NFL punters live the good life. True they lack the glory and pop appeal of QB’s or even LB’s, they also lack the crippling injuries as well. The punter’s job is even easier than other members of the special teams unit. High pressure situations are the norm for kickers and long snappers, whereas punters often have the luxury of punting towards a 60-yard-wide target. Punters have easy training camps, little fear of getting jacked up, and less pads to put in their pants. Life is good for the decent punter.

The Designated Hitter position is every selfish kid’s dream. Whether it be kickball, Wiffleball, or baseball, hitting is pure fun. MLBers like Papi get to sit around the dugout for a few hours and take a few practice hacks every now and then. About every 30 minutes you get to bat, but never have to run out to the field afterwards. Unlike punters, the DH offers ample opportunity for glory, and a likelihood of being one the highest paid players on the team. However much of what makes punting appealing applies to DH, minimized risk of injury, along with a diminished need for physical exertion.

Traffic report reporters. Do people watch T.V. at work? No. Are traffic reports for people leaving work? Yes. What is Bob the businessesman supposed to do? He could call home, ask someone to turn on the tube and check the traffic news. Or he could just leave work, taking the same route home as every other day.
Door to door religious advocates. Whether Mormon, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or others, when you hear the knock and open the door to several smiling faces, it’s never a good thing. The success rate must be rather low, and the level of rudeness must be high. Much as they are not interested in hearing my religious beliefs, I am not interested in hearing theirs.

Zealots and Fundamentalists. Does advocating in the above manner actually help one’s cause? A gay computer scientist from WWII helped create the early computer, and that makes all computers homo devil machines. If it ever became clear that Johann Gutenburg was gay, this lady would be screwed.
Sports fans that don’t own a mirror. This could be a gentleman from a number of schools, imagining Bama gear over this Sooner instead proves the point. Sports fans can dress like Tony Romo can sing.