1) Resolve to know when you're past your prime.
2) Resolve not to hang out with people who all look alike.
3) Resolve not to live your entire waking life like this.
4) Resolve not to feel too bad for America's homeless. Free Wi-Fi?
5) Resolve not to fall asleep first at a sausage party.
6) Resolve not to sport wood in public. Mesh shorts are very risky.
7) Resolve to abstain from facial tattooing. Hint: Do not pursue that which is both soluble and illegal.
8) Resolve to avoid excessive douchebaggery, in either version.
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